The Golden Child

I've blogged before about my role as The Golden Child as well as the other roles that I played in my narcissistic family. My narcissistic father raised me to be exactly like him. He trained me to think like him, like the same things he liked, behave like him, and to look down on those he looked down upon. Think clone.

Being a clone was a great ride. Until, just like in the science fiction movies, I became self-aware. It took me until I was in my 30's to get to that point. By that time, I had graduated from university and worked in my "chosen" career for a decade.

Until that time, I lived my life as the perfect clone of a narcissist. I behaved in the nasty way he did. I looked down upon those he had taught me were unworthy. I sought a career in an area that met his approval. I took a large portion of my understanding of what was good from his teachings. I knew that these were the correct ways of behaving and thinking and being because I knew that my narcissistic father was right. He had told me so.

The only chink in my clone armor was my Christian faith. How I reconciled my faith and my clone behaviour is still puzzling to me. The most likely reason lies in the immaturity of my faith, combined with my earthly experience of an angry, autocratic, judgemental father colouring my understanding of Father God.

Then reality hit. Suddenly I could see being The Golden Child as the curse it truly is. I had no idea who I was -- something with which I still struggle. I didn't know what *I* liked, only what I was taught I was supposed to like. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, only what I was taught I was supposed to do. I didn't know how to evaluate other people's behaviour, my own behaviour, or even how to live life itself, in any way other than within the strict framework which I had been taught. *I*, my self, my human person-hood, was hiding all those years, pretending to be the person I was taught I was supposed to be. All those childhood experience of trying things, forming an opinion, finding what I liked and those things in which I found special satisfaction, they didn't happen. The learning and growth that comes from it didn't happen either. My scope was arbitrarily limited and I made the best of what I was allowed.

My childhood compliance that served me so well at the time, is now an adult challenge. As I strive to find what *I* like, the results are fascinating. I enjoy the creativity of art, playing my piano, making things with my hands, all things I was taught were a waste of time and entirely worthless.

Being The Golden Child certainly had its advantages at the time. I bought years of approval from my narcissist by being who he wanted me to be. I also lost years of my self by being who he wanted me to be. Given a time machine and the choice, would I make the same choice? I have no idea.