Being an adult child of a narcissist (ACON) with children is a lot like walking a tightrope. Much of the experience I would draw up on how to parent, I have to seriously question and often throw out. So many seemingly simple things like how to hold a birthday party, or even more serious things like what is appropriate behaviour for a child in public.
It's even struggling with things like breakfast. When I was a child, breakfast was seen as a hassle. It was something done only for me and it was obvious it was a pain. Breakfast was either a chocolate poptart on a chocolate instant breakfast (made with premixed powder and milk). By the time I was 8 or 9, I was making my own breakfast usually after my parents left for work. This experience left me feeling that I should always make breakfast for my children, that to do anything else was selfish and wrong. It's taken a while for me to see that it's not terrible for my children to pour themselves a bowl of cereal once in a while, or for my child who enjoys cooking to be given the freedom to be the one to make breakfast.
The hardest of all, though, is the whole issue of boundaries. Being wary of selfishness, I have difficulty identifying when it's OK for me to say no. I don't want to expect their lives to fulfill my needs, at the same time, I don't want to spoil them into thinking the world is all about them either. It feels like I'm walking a tightrope.
Sometimes I wonder if it's as common for people with narcissistic behaviours to skip generations as it is to inherit them directly.
It's Been A Long Time...
4 years ago
1 comment:
"It feels like I'm walking a tightrope."
O yea, I can relate to that!!
It's not easy being the mother of two kids when their father was a narc. Everything I did as a Mom was questioned, interpreted and distorted through his jealous perceptions.
Now that my marriage has ended (bless the lord from whom all blessings flow!), it's much easier to trust my instincts rather than second-guessing myself.
I think most people walk a tightrope when it comes to raising kids because for everything we think is right, there's a psychological dissertation telling us we're wrong. ha! and ARGH!
Thinking about where to draw appropriate boundary lines says a lot about your "Good Enough Mothering". Maybe that helps a little if we realize we don't have to be perfect mothers, just Good Enough.
Besides, Perfect Mothers are Narcissists. I'd rather face my fear about walking a tightrope, than pretending I had perfect balance and would never fall. *grin*
Just get yourself a sturdy safety net. I've never broken a bone but I've fallen many times!
Hugs,
CZ
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