Believability

On the way out of our favourite Mexican restaurant, a close friend and I were discussing waiting, mostly in regards to my children. Several times recently my children have had to wait for me to pick them up, as in they were the last children at an activity waiting for someone to come and get them. They didn't handle it particularly well.

I commented that their lack of grace when it comes to waiting is my fault and I need to allow them to have more experience with it, so it's not such a foreign thing. I went on to explain that my parents NEVER waited for me. Whenever it came time for my parents to come and get me, I could always guarantee that I would be, if not The Last, one of the last kids there. My parents were purposefully there 15-30 minutes after the scheduled end so they didn't have to wait, in the event whatever it was that I was attending ran overtime. I was, however, expected to be outside waiting for them whenever it was that they arrived. Penalty for not being outside at the appropriate time was a scolding and a warning not to let it happen again or I would no longer be allowed to participate. To me, this was normal.

I thought my friend's response was unusual. More like completely bizarre. He commented that some people believe that adults should not completely organize their life around their children, the children needed to wait. I was stunned. This friend knows about my parents, has seen for himself the level of self-absorption. It turns out that my friend thought I was seeking a philosophical discussion.

My friend's reply is fairly typical when it comes to mention something about my parents to people with non-narcissistic parents. I hear lots and lots of explanations and rationalizations about why my parents behavior wasn't so odd. It's not that I go around telling every human who'll listen about my narcissistic parents, yet even in groups of good friends where other people are discussing their personal challenges, it seems that when it comes to self-absorbed parents, there's a believability problem.

I've listened to good friends tell me about the abusive behaviour of their parents when drunk, but when I explain about my father's frightening rages when he accidentally misses his exit on a road trip, then there *must* be some good reason for it. Or, I must be exaggerating. Everyone's dad has a temper, right? Does everyone's dad slam his fist into the dash, loudly curse at my mother because she can't read a map, pound the steering wheel, crash his forearm into the door, slam on the break or the accelerator, and curse even louder at anyone who dares to breathe too loudly, all because he just missed Exit 24? Or wasn't in the correct lane to make a left turn, or the person in front of him was driving too slowly so he didn't make it through the light before it turned red?

Thankfully, the Internet has provided me with the perspective of other people who've lived through the same thing and know it to be abnormal. For many years I thought I was just being too sensitive, or maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe I *was* making it all up. It's sad but comforting to be able to read the stories of other children of narcissists. It's nice to be able to share stories and get a reaction beyond an uncomfortable silence followed by a change in subject, or an explanation of why the behaviour is acceptable or a "yeah, my dad has a temper/is selfish/is a pain, too". The Internet has provided me with a wealth of resources and contacts. It's made a world of difference in my life.

Permission to Say "No"

As a way of saying thank you for help with the last days of my father's life, my mother offered my spouse and I a night out with another couple. She had a voucher for a free dinner for four at a posh restaurant in a nearby town. As a newly widowed woman with no friends she had no way to use it. She would be the childcare for our children and those of the other couple. This was after showing my kids a movie I'd specifically told her I didn't want them to see. Beyond having her watch our children being unacceptable, I didn't want to go. I hadn't seen the other couple in nearly a decade and the whole getting back in touch thing just was too stressful considering all the other stuff going on at the time. I knew I would stress for weeks beforehand and wind up a stressed-out mess even before we all crawled into the same car for an hour drive to the restaurant. Unfortunately she first offered it to my spouse who accepted the offer without talking to me about it. Ooops.

So, I took the bold step of calling her. I NEVER call anyone. I hate telephones and avoid them at all costs. I thanked her for her nice offer and did my best to gracefully decline. I attempted to explain it would be very stressful, but she would have none of it: it was already arranged; what would she tell the other couple? I hadn't anticipated her reaction, silly me, but I was proud that I was able to maintain composure. I apologised for the trouble caused by our decline. I suggested she tell the other couple that we wouldn't be able to make it, but that she'd still very much like them to go anyway. But she was already in a fluster and would have none of it: my not wanting to go was silly; this wasn't something stressful just dinner; etc. After more apologies on my part yet remaining firm on the decline the phone call ended unpleasantly. I don't remember whether she hung-up on me, a not uncommon occurrence, but I do remember being entirely puzzled. In order to thank me for my help, she was insisting I do something I did not want to do. A fascinating strategy, no?

That wasn't the last phone call on the subject, though. Oh, no. She called twice more to tell me how difficult I had made this whole thing for her. She had no idea how she was going to tell the other couple that we weren't going. Both calls ended with her self-pity turning to anger and threats of telling the people that I didn't want to have anything to do with them.

I don't suppose there is a reason why the sound of a ringing phone seems foreboding?

I don't suppose there is a reason why it's difficult for me to say "no"?