Finding Self

Every so often I stumble across this. Yesterday was one of those days -- a day when I struggle to know who I am. That sounds so cliché (or stupid, depending on your bent), but I can't find better words to describe it.

My father decided to mold me in his image. I was told what to like, or rather what was acceptable to like. Being a compliant child, I followed his lead. Somewhere around 30, I discovered that what I'd been convinced to like and be, wasn't what I wanted. Thus started the process that got me to the place of learning about NPD.

When it comes to goals of my own, I don't have a lot of experience. I was a pretty good stooge and as such all I had to be good at was following and doing what I was trained to do. Yeah, a lot like a puppy. But, now that I'm no longer content to live like that, I need to find my own goals, and even my own likes. It's proved a difficult thing to learn.

Yesterday I started thinking: for most humans, they begin to develop their own likes, dislikes and goals as a child. Kids try stuff. New stuff. Different stuff. They explore and find what they like. And, if done properly, the kids do this naturally without a thought to whether they succeed, or do it well, or the people around them approve of it. Eventually they find their own self, what they like, what they want to do, to be, how they want to live.

This seems like it's becoming the stuff of a mid-life crisis. It's not that I'm unsatisfied with my life. It's that I have no purpose in it other than being a good spouse and parent to my amazing small humans.

The question, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" has always puzzled me. It's the goal thing. I've rarely had an idea where I was going to be in 5 years, and when I did, it was because someone else had prescribed it for me.

This all came about because yesterday was a gloomy Monday. I needed something to keep me on track and give me a reason to continue what seemed like only drudgery. I couldn't find a reason why I cared if tomorrow even existed. The thought of the future is blank. Why bother if tomorrow is going to be more of the same, followed by another day, week, month, year, decade of more of the same. I need a goal. Or two. I need a reason why I care if tomorrow comes.