Ghost Town

"Ghost Town" goes to a daily devotion from Our Daily Bread, part of RBC Ministries (formerly Radio Bible Class). They're not necessarily deep theology, but they are good food for thought akin, shall I say, to a morning snack.

It's likely no surprise that I am uncomfortable with having cut my self-absorbed mother out of my life. It's been three years now and, although I have great misgivings, the amount of relief involved in ditching the stress a relationship with her brings, speaks volumes. There is a certain peace that comes with it.

So, why the misgivings? Perhaps it's that same nagging feeling that I should feel badly about not having her in my life. One thing is for sure. I do not have complete peace about not having any contact with her.

First, I have no illusions that I am God. I'm not. I do believe, however, that His Word show us the character of God and that character is something we are to follow. In the devotional, we see God allowing His people to be scattered as a means of teaching them what the outcome of their behaviour was. It's here I begin to wonder if there's some insight here for me with respect to my mother. Where I get caught is in the reconciliation part. When God's people realized their sin and turned away, He restored their relationship. God desired to restore the relationship.

I have no desire to reconcile with my mother. None. On the deepest level, having her in my life means fear and pain. It means seeing very clearly what I don't have in the way of a mother. That hurts. It underscores just how alone I was as a child. It means steeling myself against what bizarre or nasty thing may happen. No doubt what I'm missing is the confidence that something will or has changed. I have no idea how to determine when, or if, a positive change has come to pass.

Father's Day and Tim Russert

It's another one of those holidays. Father's Day. This one is especially weird for me because I was the golden child, a "daddy's girl". I now hate the association I have with that phrase, but it doesn't change what was.

Father's Day was always such a pain when my father was alive. Gifts were either a resounding success or a miserable failure. There was no inbetween. The success was difficult to achieve. The thought never counted. But none of that is new to anyone who's anyone who's had much contact with a narcissist.

Perhaps that's why much of the coverage of Tim Russert's death makes me so uncomfortable. I've never read his book "Big Russ and Me". Given the descriptions I've heard of it, I likely never will. Reading about someone's tribute to their father sounds too painful. Someone made a comment today about Tim Russert's father being his hero and followed it up with something like, "as I'm sure all our fathers are to us". Uh, no. It's not even close. I'm not sure people with narcissistic fathers can begin to comprehend the concept. I certainly can't.

As I near Father's Day, I'm relieved my father is not alive. Were it so, this holiday would become a sham. It's hard enough for me to comprehend how to teach my children about honor one's father without factoring being a hypocrite into it.

So, what does one for whom Father's Day makes as much sense as does Groundhog Day do to celebrate fathers? Beats me. It's much too far beyond my comprehension.

This is where, too, I get caught in the fifth commandment:

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Exodus 20:12

How does an ACON honor their n-parent? Do I honor them by cutting off contact? Does that change if I continue to pray for them? What about if I continue to teach my children about their good qualities and try to avoid why we don't ever see grandma and/or grandpa? Is continuing contact and doing my best to help them honoring them?

I don't claim to have any concrete answers. I'm flying blind in this. Some claim that honoring one's parents ends when their actions become/are seen as evil. I haven't yet found a way to reconcile the fact that we all sin -- we all commit evil acts. Even after we accept God's gift of salvation, we still sin. Christians are called to witness to the lost...how then can I justify cutting a parent out of my life? Right now, I can't.

Father's Day is full of things I don't understand. I'm thrilled for people for whom their father is their hero. It must be an incredible feeling.

I'm saddened for Tim Russert's family. Father's Day will likely never be the same for them. Yet, even in that, I hope that Big Russ and his grandson have memories of heroes, and honor and respect. Even in poverty, an ACON can rejoice in other's riches.

Real Parenting

The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.

Genesis 3:21

It's one of my favourite verses. Even leaving aside the deep theological issues, this is a picture of real parenting at work. Adam and his wife blew it. Big time. (And, just in case you think I'm casting stones, I have no doubt that in the same situation I would have done no better.) They deserved the severest of consequences. Yet God, a loving God, clothed his children even as he sent then from the garden. By all rights, God could have taken an attitude of "you made your bed, now lie in it", but He didn't. God provided for His people.

With amazement I watch as God provides for His people still today. As I strive to learn and heal from the bumps and bruises of life, God brings exactly what I need into my life. It's comforting to receive some real parenting.

I still don't understand the whole principle of Mother's Day. But as I contemplate the goodness of God and the loving kindless He's shown me, maybe I can get closer to understaning the celebration of a real parent.

Church Issues #1

I anticipate this being the first of several on church issues.

I don't have issues with the teachings of the evangelical Christian church. I have issues with how to apply it to my life, the way I look at life and the way I see myself. Much of the teaching that goes on seems to presuppose that people see themselves in a certain way. Teachings like "view others more highly than yourself" appear to assume that people normally don't already think other people are better than they are.

It's hard for me to figure out what to do with those teachings. Jesus gave up His life, His all. Yet, at the same time, He took a break from his ministry at times to pray. He didn't give up all His needs. He slept. He ate. He rested. Where exactly is the line of things that are acceptable to take a break from serving others to do? Obviously prayer comes into the equation. It always does. If "pray about it" is the answer, then is the entire purpose of teaching to point us in the direction of those things about which we need to pray? Does all teaching boil down to "God's Word says this, now go pray about it"?

That's not really the question I had in mind for this entry, but it does come close. Given narcissistic parents, who expect their child(ren) to give of themselves to care for their parents from the time the child(ren) are little, how do those children learn what is Biblical with respect to giving and serving?