Three Little Words: We'll Talk Later

The New Pastor has been with our church a while now. Not unexpectedly, the first few services he wasn't used to our church's normal order of worship. There were a few slight rough spots. It was not a big deal -- except, I was sure, in the mind of the narcissist. After all, an entire congregation was watching. Ouch.

The church staff are known to make friendly jabs at each other during Sunday services. This past week, it was the new pastor's turn to be on the receiving end. A comment was made about the rough spots. Anyone else would have taken it as a moment of friendliness that just happened to mention the understandable mistakes by someone new. The new pastor's quiet reply of "we'll talk later" was obviously not a continuance of friendly repartee.

I have no idea what actually happened behind the scenes and I like it that way. I've spent more time than I care listening to the rantings of a narcissist who believes he's been slighted. When it came to his job, its impact was felt for weeks and even months. I feel for the pastor's wife and children.

I am comforted, however, in my belief that if there were anyone able to handle the workplace ramifications, it's our church's senior staff. They're not wishy-washy. They know where they stand and why they stand there. Given that the common wisdom is there's really no way to reform a narcissist, perhaps this guy has a chance to experience the one surefire way of reform: God's grace.

The New Pastor

I met The New Pastor this past weekend. It was his first church service with the congregation. I also read his CV. You've heard it said if something seems too good to be true it probably is? It seems to apply here. Everything is just a bit....too much. I stand by my first comments after reading his of his accomplishments and credentials: there's something wrong here.

After meeting the man, I don't feel any better about him and I *really* tried. Call it intuition, vibes, a gut feeling, or whatever, but when I feel this way it's nearly always turned out to be right. Something was just not right.

I was so troubled in my spirit -- I couldn't believe this was the man God had called to our church. It all seemed impossible. I trust the people who selected the man, so how had this happened?

Then I remembered prayer. (OK, so I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer....) After worshiping God, pouring out my heart to Him, praying that His will be done, I still felt uneasy. So, I prayed for God's help, for His reassurance.

I was turning to the appropriate scripture passage for the sermon, preached by the pastor who will be the new pastor's boss, when God spoke to me: "who better for this man who troubles you to serve under than this man?". Answer to prayer is so sweet! Over the past months, this "boss" pastor has boldly preached his way through very challenging parts of God's word. He's pulled no punches. He's faithful preached The Word, even when it flew in the face of political correctness, even when it made him less than popular. I couldn't imagine a man more capable of shepherding this new pastor. God is indeed remarkable!

Although my spirit was no longer troubled about this new pastor, I now knew that his boss would need much prayer for he had been given a challenge.

Preacher Guilty of Road Rage

I know nothing about this preacher other than what's in the article. I'd like to say I'm surprised the man is a pastor but, sadly, I can't. I'd also like to be surprised that people attend his church, but having seen it for myself with another man and another church, I can't say that either. What does surprise me is the number of warning signs of narcissism that such a small article contains.

Thomas Howell, founder and preacher

By itself, this doesn't seem all that narcissistic. Many sincere people found and serve in organizations who aren't narcissistic. But this man's position does mean he created a place for himself where people would follow him, see him as an authority figure, listen to his sermons as being messages from God and, in general, hold him in high esteem.

[The other person involved in the incident] testified the preacher pulled up alongside her car, pointed a gun at her, called her a name and asked if she knew who she was messing with before threatening to shoot.

Apparently Mr. Howell believes his position, the one he created for himself, is such that he should be treated differently. Then, there's the matter of calling her a name. The article doesn't report if it was an expletive, but it seems logical that the name wasn't something polite like "ma'am" or "miss" or even "hey lady". Mr. Howell is again claiming a position of superiority over this woman. Lastly, there's the threat. Mr. Howell seems to believe that he has the right, the position, to determine this woman's punishment and to carry it out. Is this beginning to sound like a so-called God Complex to anyone else?

Next "[t]he cars chased each other through parts of Clifton, Avondale and Walnut Hills." During this time, the other person involved in the incident reported that Mr. Howell pointed the gun at her several times. I'm not familiar with the area, but it appears Mr. Howell had some time to think over the situation, reconsider his actions. Following the car chase, he repeated his initial threat:

He said, 'You don't now who I am,' called me another (name) and said ... 'I'll shoot you.' "

This belief that he is extra special is obviously strongly held since he repeats it. The chase ends when Mr. Howell parks his car near his church and the other party runs to a nearby store to call 911.

When police arrived, Howell told them he had a gun - it was in a holster strapped to his hip - and he had a permit to carry it.

Following the typical narcissistic pattern, when confronted with a misdeed, change the subject.

Howell denied to police and at Monday's trial that he ever pointed his gun at her. In fact, he said he never removed it from his holster that day.

Then, when he can't successfully change the subject, lie. But more on that below when the case goes to trial.

Then how, the judge wondered, did [the other person involved in the incident] know that Howell - a man she'd never met before - had a gun.

Oops. Big logical fallacy here. But, you see, when one is in a position of ultimate power as the founder and head of an organization, one's words usually aren't questioned so making sure one's lies are plausible doesn't matter.

I may know nothing about Mr. Howell other than what I've read in this article, but I do know that his deacons/elders should remove him from his position. This assumes that the deacons/elders actually have any power to do so, and I suspect they don't.

The other thing I know about Mr. Howell is that he needs lots of prayer. For a man who leads First Commandment Church of the Living God, it appears he has problems not only with the first commandment, but also at least the sixth, ninth, and tenth.

Church Issues #2

Only recently I've come to accept that I'm a good judge of people. My gut instinct is rarely wrong.

I've come to believe that many people who've lived with difficult or abusive parents develop an ability to read people and situations. I think it's a survival tool.

Some years ago, the church we were attending was without a pastor. From the first moment I met the new pastor, my gut instinct was entirely confused. I liked him but, there was just something there that I couldn't identify.

Given the theme of this blog, it's pretty easy to guess that I now think the man is a narcissist.

He's charismatic, magnetic, energetic and knows exactly how to work a room. The attendance of the church he pastors has grown greatly and continues to do so. He's very popular with people who don't know him well, or people from whom he needs support to accomplish his goals.

It just so happens my family was accidentally thrust in the way of him accomplishing his goals. It was a very bad place to be. The consequences were severe. Over time, I watched other people accidentally wander into his way only to suffer the same fate. Because he is The Leader of the church, he's untouchable. And, because he's The Leader of the church, often his work is done in a way that assures him Plausible Deniability. It's an ugly thing to see in a place that supposed to be God's church.

There have always been false prophets, charlatans and those who attempt to use a position of spiritual authority to further their own aims. Every time I think of the number of people this pastor has hurt or the people he's led astray, I feel a guilt for not having done something to allow other people to see the situation, plausible deniability or not. At the time, I didn't speak up because it was something I believed needed to work out in private, not broadcast. It was only after months had passed that I understood that there would be nothing worked out.

This is another place where I find myself getting caught with church issues. I've attended quite a few churches over the years, but this church was the first that I found where problems with the head pastor could not be addressed. Yes, there's a board comprised mostly of wealthy and/or highly respected people in the community. With these people, the pastor is an entirely different person. Out comes the charm, charisma and the Humble Servant of God Suit.

It could very well be that this man is the first narcissistic pastor I've run across. In that alone there is hope. Still, it troubles me that there are all these people who trust him and look to him for spiritual advice. It's at times like these that I pray Micah 6:8 for this pastor.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8 (NIV)

Church Issues #1

I anticipate this being the first of several on church issues.

I don't have issues with the teachings of the evangelical Christian church. I have issues with how to apply it to my life, the way I look at life and the way I see myself. Much of the teaching that goes on seems to presuppose that people see themselves in a certain way. Teachings like "view others more highly than yourself" appear to assume that people normally don't already think other people are better than they are.

It's hard for me to figure out what to do with those teachings. Jesus gave up His life, His all. Yet, at the same time, He took a break from his ministry at times to pray. He didn't give up all His needs. He slept. He ate. He rested. Where exactly is the line of things that are acceptable to take a break from serving others to do? Obviously prayer comes into the equation. It always does. If "pray about it" is the answer, then is the entire purpose of teaching to point us in the direction of those things about which we need to pray? Does all teaching boil down to "God's Word says this, now go pray about it"?

That's not really the question I had in mind for this entry, but it does come close. Given narcissistic parents, who expect their child(ren) to give of themselves to care for their parents from the time the child(ren) are little, how do those children learn what is Biblical with respect to giving and serving?