It was odd when I learned that my father would soon die. I felt no emotion, no grief or sadness. It was a very matter of fact thing. In the more than five years since he died, it hasn't changed. I don't miss him. I had a chance to try to talk to him about things that are important to me before he died, but he preferred to lecture me. I tried; I have peace.
Having heard all those heart-warming stories of parents reconciling with their adult children when told they would die soon, I quietly hoped. I was naive enough to hope that his impending death would cause him to look at his life and perhaps try to mend fences, get closer to family, take advantage to enjoy the life he had left. Nope. He became even more bitter and angry. If my mother didn't get him his medication as fast as he wanted it, he'd grit his teeth and curse her slowness. He continuously lectured me about what I should stand for in my life and what I should find important. On Father's Day, he railed that his civil rights had been violated since the city government had outlawed the serving of beer on Sunday.
I suppose that's probably a common marker of narcissists: even pending death doesn't effect them in the same way it does other people. My father took a look at life and he was disappointed, not because of the choices he made, but because of what life didn't give him.
It's Been A Long Time...
4 years ago
2 comments:
My elderly father has multiple health problems which lead me to believe he doesn't have alot of years left to inflict himself on others. When his health began to fail a couple of years ago, I felt horrible; guilty because he was laying in a hospital and I was able to eat a chicken sandwich in my own home - illogical guilt. Since then, his health has improved enough that he's been able to get back to his angry, self-righteous, blameless (of course!) self. He knows there's not alot of time left, but nothing has changed. I've done what I can, and he's refused the help I've been able to offer. I'm as close to washing my hands of him as I can be and still be able to look at myself in the mirror without getting sick. What you've said is true - when you do all you can do, you can be guilt-free. I'm still working on it - but it gives me comfort that others have been where I am now and see things the same way I am forced to see them. Thanks.
There really is hope! I made up my mind that I didn't want to look back and regret. I did what I could, at the same time doing my best to preserve my sanity and family. When I look back, I know I did what was right.
It is possible to make it through and leave the guilt behind. It helped that I saw him as a scared old man. In a way I was able to pity him. All he had left was to try to control people as he watched himself get closer and closer to something he feared but could not avoid. Even he knew there was no way to lie or manipulate his way out of death.
I'm sorry you are dealing with the same thing. It wasn't easy at the time but, yes, there is peace.
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