Believability

On the way out of our favourite Mexican restaurant, a close friend and I were discussing waiting, mostly in regards to my children. Several times recently my children have had to wait for me to pick them up, as in they were the last children at an activity waiting for someone to come and get them. They didn't handle it particularly well.

I commented that their lack of grace when it comes to waiting is my fault and I need to allow them to have more experience with it, so it's not such a foreign thing. I went on to explain that my parents NEVER waited for me. Whenever it came time for my parents to come and get me, I could always guarantee that I would be, if not The Last, one of the last kids there. My parents were purposefully there 15-30 minutes after the scheduled end so they didn't have to wait, in the event whatever it was that I was attending ran overtime. I was, however, expected to be outside waiting for them whenever it was that they arrived. Penalty for not being outside at the appropriate time was a scolding and a warning not to let it happen again or I would no longer be allowed to participate. To me, this was normal.

I thought my friend's response was unusual. More like completely bizarre. He commented that some people believe that adults should not completely organize their life around their children, the children needed to wait. I was stunned. This friend knows about my parents, has seen for himself the level of self-absorption. It turns out that my friend thought I was seeking a philosophical discussion.

My friend's reply is fairly typical when it comes to mention something about my parents to people with non-narcissistic parents. I hear lots and lots of explanations and rationalizations about why my parents behavior wasn't so odd. It's not that I go around telling every human who'll listen about my narcissistic parents, yet even in groups of good friends where other people are discussing their personal challenges, it seems that when it comes to self-absorbed parents, there's a believability problem.

I've listened to good friends tell me about the abusive behaviour of their parents when drunk, but when I explain about my father's frightening rages when he accidentally misses his exit on a road trip, then there *must* be some good reason for it. Or, I must be exaggerating. Everyone's dad has a temper, right? Does everyone's dad slam his fist into the dash, loudly curse at my mother because she can't read a map, pound the steering wheel, crash his forearm into the door, slam on the break or the accelerator, and curse even louder at anyone who dares to breathe too loudly, all because he just missed Exit 24? Or wasn't in the correct lane to make a left turn, or the person in front of him was driving too slowly so he didn't make it through the light before it turned red?

Thankfully, the Internet has provided me with the perspective of other people who've lived through the same thing and know it to be abnormal. For many years I thought I was just being too sensitive, or maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe I *was* making it all up. It's sad but comforting to be able to read the stories of other children of narcissists. It's nice to be able to share stories and get a reaction beyond an uncomfortable silence followed by a change in subject, or an explanation of why the behaviour is acceptable or a "yeah, my dad has a temper/is selfish/is a pain, too". The Internet has provided me with a wealth of resources and contacts. It's made a world of difference in my life.