The Other Parent

I think that narcissism is something The Other Parent "catches" if they stay in a close relationship with the narcissist. Narcissism can be seductive, after all, especially in regards to children. If they're not people, well then, it makes caring for them a lot less demanding, and potentially uncomfortable compromises easier.

I watched my mother grow more and more self-absorbed as time went by. It's certainly possible that her adoption of the narcissistic traits was an unconscious one, done in self-defense. Since she was only an object to her mate, self-care could drive her inward, and away from the child. Of course, narcissists are also good at pitting one family member against another. It was certainly true in our family.

While I do feel empathy for my Other Parent, I can't help escape the fact that she was an adult and I, a child. I had no way of defending or protecting myself from the influences of my n father. As much as she might plead her own helplessness, she did have options. There were a lot of cultural and familial taboos with divorce. Economically it wouldn't have been easy, either. Even a difficult option is an option.

Yet, all this empathy is tempered any time I ask about something that seemed odd, or was definitely wrong. I meet a wall of defensiveness and anger. There can be nothing wrong, the standard response goes, I don't know just how good I had it. Attempts at dialogue are futile.

Every time I contemplate my Other Parent, I keep coming back to the same thing: how could she not see something was wrong? Or maybe the question is more correctly asked: did she really think what was wrong was insignificant? The wall of defensiveness would seem to argue against that.

I want to see my Other Parent as an innocent bystander. I want to see her as another victim. No matter how I try, my Other Parent invariably looks more like an accomplice.